Man I love Jawbreaker so much. I think I may take the plunge and get me one of them 4Fs as a tattoo.

They’ve got several songs where it’s like they wrote it as accompaniment for moments in my life. And they’ve got lots of songs that are beautiful and sad and angry. I’d say that many of them are perfect in the way that my good friend Jim (my oldest friend, in the sense of age-of-the-friendship – I’ve had more years of my life knowing him than years not) describes.

And some of them are not perfect, but their good traits make up for them. They’re songs I’m in love with, where I can’t see the flaws or I can but I don’t really see them, or where the imperfections are what makes it perfect, in a way.

Here’s one that speaks to me. It’s called “Gemini,” it’s the one I link to above. I love the combo of shouty singing plus loud guitar along with these sorts of lyrics. Probly says something about me as well.

Some of the lines I really like:

Says he will
Meaning he might
(…)
Socializing
Covers bets
(…)
Trust no one
Screen all calls
One on one or
None at all
(…)
Smile expresses strong resentment

Why do I like it? Because I feel like that. A lot of the time.

I try not to act like that, and some of that acting makes me feel less like that. This part of why Alain Badiou speaks to me, despite how incredibly hard to read he can be. I like his statement that a key ethical maxim is “keep going.” I’m told there’s a Beckett quote to this effect: “I can’t go on. I must go on.” It’s a matter of will and habit, I think – maintaining the will to go on when one lacks the habit, and maintaining the habit to go one when one lacks the will. Provided one doesn’t have a loss of both will and habit at the same time, everything should be good. At least good-ish.

“If I had a choice, don’t you think I’d make it?”
And see, the reason it feels good is partly because feeling crappy like this – “Rained in and I won’t come unclouded” – involves a sense of isolation. Music like this provides a sense of connection, a sense of common experience of this stuff. It’s very powerful.

And I should say – this was post not intended to be this post. It was intended to be much shorter. I’ve been meandering in order to get away from the point I signed in to make.

I think I’m depressed. I’ve suspected off and on for a while. I have many smart and sophisticated things to say about this (again, at least -ish), but most of them amount to dodging the issue. The issue is that I don’t feel all that great, a lot of the time. And I’ve been that way for a very long time.

I read this list of symptoms of depression. I don’t have all of them, but I do have several, and reading it feels less like reading signs of a problem as it does reading a description of my character/personality traits. Or maybe it’s dysthymia.

Whatever it is, it sucks and it’s stupid. (Take that, condition! I think you’re stupid!) The “pretend it’s not the case” approach has not accomplished anything.

Time for plan B. Onward and upward. (I know I can write my way out of this. I am a model of resolve and diligence.)

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