Mope. Also, for a while I was running. But winter fucked that up. And occasionally I rock climb. (Climbing ruled today. Got my farthest yet on the ceiling at the bouldering cave.)

Anyway, to cope with stress I’ve been trying to write a joke a day. Writing them is hard. The concentration required helps me stop thinking about the things that stress me out, and it takes little time. Here’s my jokes so far.


These are current as of June 18th


What did the punchline say to the opening? Look out! It’s a set up!

The two worst things about being a lazy writer are that I always leave jokes unfinish

Joke writing is a lot like masturbation. It takes hours and involves a lot of sobbing.

I spent most of Monday switching between joke writing and thinking about Minnesota winter. It’s a cold, bleak, brutally inhuman experience, writing jokes.

I decided not to write a joke with the phrase “butter me up” and a Last Tango in Paris reference. My good judgment always ruins everything.

Sometimes I hate the whole world. Then I look up and see the stars, moon, or sun, and I realize there’s so much more out there for me to hate.

My therapist said I should cultivate a better attitude because feeling resentful and bitter is a poor use of emotional energy. Great, another fucking thing for my to-do list. He also said I respond unreasonably to criticism, so stabbed him in the face.

If I don’t get over my tendency to over-react I’m going to die, painfully, alone and unloved.

My three year old is like a mythical god – incomprehensible, quick to anger, and only appeased if I sacrifice a goat.

The worst part about going on an outing with my three year old is all the crying. Leaving the house just upsets me.

I’ve been with my wife 15 years. I’ll never forget the first time she said those three wonderful words: “you were right.”

Rich people remind me of potatoes. They’re funny looking. And I always cut their eyes out before I eat them.

My local librarian is such a racist. She totally freaked out when I took my clothes off. It’s because of my skin color. And tentacles.

This week on the bus I ran into my neighbor three different times. I wish he’d gotten out of the way. I’m probably gonna lose this bus driver job.

It took me a long time to get over my fear of getting too close to people. Now I really like to get too close to people.

Apparently I look like a flasher if I don’t wear socks under my trenchcoat, which sucks because then I lose the element of surprise.

I’m on Facebook. You on Facebook? With Facebook, we can all be narcissistic and lonely together!

As a physically active person I have experience with broken bones. The worst part about breaking your arm is how loud you scream when I do it.

I’m convinced anything fun is bad for your health. That’s why I want to learn to write very funny jokes, to hurt people.

I’ve noticed everything fun is bad for you. That’s how I know I am leading a very healthy lifestyle.

All that stands between me and fame as a writer is luck, hard work, motivation, discipline, and talent.

Twitter has taken the fun out of being a cult leader. Back in the day you really had to work to recruit followers.

All that stands between me and becoming a famous musician are his bodyguards and the time it’ll take me to peel off his skin and put it on.

Online dating sucks. People are nice at first but once they see the real me it’s all “please, I want to live” and “oh god no not my eyes.”

My wife said “let’s stop arguing. We’ll call this one a tie.” I insisted, “No, it’s definitely a belt.” Or I would have, if I could breathe.

my wife said “I’M COLD!” “And distant,” I said. “WHAT?” she said “ITS HARD TO HEAR FROM SO FAR AWAY.” I wish she’d climb down from that tree.

“You’re so sweet,” she said. “Stop biting me!” I said, though it came out more like “AAAAAAHHH!”

Finding common ground with people I disagree with can be very trying, but mostly it’s very failing.

Lately people have been praising Rand Paul for his filibuster in Congress. Personally I don’t think politicians should be lionized. They should be sharked, or wolved.

I feel surrounded by self-centered people. Instead they should be surrounded by me. Or rather my armed minions.

The most important part about cooking vegan is having high quality ingredients, so be sure to catch a healthy, young vegan.

Being nice to jerks is hard, but like I always say, kill ’em with kindness! And if that doesn’t work, use a claw hammer.

I want to get a smart phone. Then no matter where I went I could refuse to read my email.

“I hope to make my mark on this world,” thought the asteroid as it entered the atmosphere.

I find shooting stars really underwhelming. Not nearly as cool stabbing news anchors.

I had to walk to work today so of course I got soaked. There just aren’t enough public toilets.

When I grow up I want to be really rich. I’d especially like to be a chocolate mousse.

Having out of town family visit is a good opportunity to reminisce about the past, when you realized it was a good idea to move away.

My wife and I had an argument. She said “I’m not talking bad about your family, that’s your job.” I said “Typical! I have to do everything!”

Sometimes I think people feel threatened when they see my good looks. And gun.

Scientists should develop a test for the gene that makes people believe in eugenics. Then everyone who has it should be eliminated.

Once I worked cleaning this rich guy’s house. Soon I just couldn’t take anymore. It’s hard to get a maid costume with well concealed pockets.

If I just keep going despite all the monotony and failure, eventually something good will happen. That’s my approach to joke writing, and sex.

You know what sucks about making unfunny jokes? I don’t.

People always talk about how it’s so hard to quit cold turkey but I don’t see what the big deal is. Turkey’s gross.

I think its funny to use the internet to insult people I like. Unfortunately none of them are around so you’ll have to do. Dummy.

Daily affirmation. I know I can achieve healthy self esteem once I stop being truly unlovable.

My heron addiction really puts the ‘egret’ in regret.

Joke writing may seem easy but I have truly suffered for these jokes. Now it’s your turn.

I had a dream about getting totally drunk. I was a glass of milk.

I was into dismissing things for becoming popular way before it was cool.

I didn’t intend to be so pointed. It’s just the shape of my head.

My three year old is very mature for her age. Last night she shouted at me, “I hate you!”

I was trying to check my email but my mouse died. I was really distracted by all his squeaking.

Some kid at the library took a toy from my kid. He started crying when I made him give it back. I guess I shouldn’t have pushed him so hard.

Brad Paisley’s “Accidental Racist” was bad enough but he’s really hit a new low with “Deliberate Ethnic Cleansing.”

In a job interview it’s important to leave a lasting impression. Try wearing a colorful tie, or taking a hammer to the interviewer’s forehead.

A teacher of mine used to say “a good writer will write till it hurts.” He read my work and said “yep, this definitely hurts.”

The career counselor said “I always say ‘in a job interview just be yourself’ but this time I’ll make an exception.” Luckily I used a fake name.

If you ever start to feel sad and alone, just know that I’m here. With my telescope. Also, your hair looks nice.

I can’t think of anything funny to say. So I wrote this joke.

You ever feel like you made terrible life choices and you just have to learn to live with them? If so then it must suck to be you.

Fox News reported that a dentist infected patients with hepatitis. A condition causing nausea and vomiting, millions suffer from Fox News.

My older daughter is mature enough that we can go to restaurants, and as long as they serve ice cream I don’t have a tantrum.

I’m jobhunting and my wife’s pregnant. Many people have moodswings, anxiety, and nausea from the physical and emotional ordeal of jobhunting.

I would like to take this moment to tell you a very funny joke. It’s the thought that counts.

I have a bad habit of making jokes at my own expense. You can help me break this habit. Send money.

I’m emotional because we just had a baby. Newborn babies give me hope. Hope that people can love vacant-eyed wrinkly bald folk with nothing to say.

If I die from eating all these tacos I will have no regrets. Because there’s no consciousness after death.

You know what’s the worst part of being awesome? No, you definitely don’t.

Job hunting tip: Emulate the people with the best jobs. Attend an ivy league college, have rich parents, be a total douche.

He said, “Apply for jobs that play to your strengths.” I said, “I’m good at failing, and getting fired.” He said, “Umm. Maybe art school?”

He said “Look for a job doing things you enjoy. What do you like?” I said “Bullying and being obeyed.” He said “You’re management material.”

Health tip: If you experience a burning sensation while urinating, check to see if you are on fire.

If you attend a birth you will need to deal with blood and cries of distress. To prepare yourself, before the birth, commit a few murders.

I been agnostic for years but could never fully believe the universe was indifferent to humanity. Then I had kids. Now I know there’s no god.

This guy at the bank was totally cutting in line. So rude. I said “I’m gonna call security if you don’t put down that knife.”

My boss had this hilarious expression when I called him a little worm, and stuck that fish-hook through his neck.

If people start to annoy you, it may help to imagine them as cute little kittens. Then put them in a weighted sack and drop it in a river.

If you ever start to feel sad, if it helps you to feel better, tell yourself that I love you very much. It’s just a little white lie.

You know what I find uplifting? Elevators. Though they can also be a real downer.

Man I used to love getting high. That’s why I became an airline pilot.

If you start to feel low, help is out there. You can try platform shoes, or climbing a ladder.

I’d like to be known for my biting wit instead of dumb jokes and sharp teeth.

I tried to drink a toast to your honor but I choked on the bread crusts.

You know what really gets under my skin? Scabies.

All your problems are actually quite funny when you think about them the right way. Or at least when I think about them.

You know what’s pointless? Broken pencils. Also, loving anyone, because they’ll just die and leave you alone.

NYU students complain of bedbugs in their dorms. Almost 40,000 of these disgusting parasites infest NYU, and an unknown number of bedbugs.

Chinese police seized over four million counterfeit Durex condoms. Officials reported “They’re for, uh, a friend” without making eye contact.

If everyone lived by “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” then more people on the bus would tell me my hair smells good.

An Australian politician reported being attacked by a kangaroo while jogging today, prompting many to ask why a kangaroo would take up jogging.

Today I bought a new wallet, and a sandwich, and very nearly got rained on. Once again I have lived a compelling part of the human drama.

New research definitively links fracking to both earthquakes and climate change. Petrochemical industry spokesmen replied “Muahahaha!”

Sometimes I worry that age, marriage, and parenthood have made me boring. But then I remember I’ve always been dull.

You know what I hate about paranoid delusions? Don’t lie. I know you do.

Today I misunderstood the meaning of ‘flash flood’ in an embarrassing way. Luckily I still had my raincoat.

Recently I’ve gotten into dubstep. It’s cool to have a new genre of music to make me feel inferior.

One asset I bring to making jokes is a lifetime of experience at publicly embarrassing myself.

My newborn cries too much. I’m sick of her being such a baby.

I’m worried my kid’s gonna grow up racist. Her mom’s German. You know how THEY are. Even worse than the blacks.

Parenting has lowered my standards. “It’s only got a little pee and puke on it, I can still wear that.” It’s like I’ve become punk again.

I used to worry that getting old meant that I would lead a pathetic empty life, but then I discovered jogging, and home-made muesli.

Ugh. Parenting. I’m so tired all the time it’s like I’m constantly a bit drunk. On the bright side, it’s kinda like my kids equal free beer.

Women pay tons of attention to me when I have my baby in a baby carrier. I’m all like “gross, ladies, get away, I do NOT need more kids.”

Novelist Marcel Proust said “La permanence et la durée ne sont promises à rien, pas même à la douleur.” Unfortunately I don’t speak french.

I’m really good at remembering times I said something embarrassingly stupid. I’ve had a lot of practice.

I’d like to say my good judgment saved me from making a joke comparing clitorises and klansmen but really I just didn’t know the plural.

My favorite jokes are what are called “meta-jokes” which is a fancy way to say “jokes that aren’t funny.”

I got a philosophy degree in college. When I graduated my 13 year old brother said “what’s philosophy?” Twenty minutes into my explanation he said “you paid HOW much for that degree?”

I thought things would get easy when I got old. I didn’t realize adulthood would be so terrifying. For instance, there’s hair growing in my ears.

FEMA officials use a ‘Waffle House Index’ to rate disasters. Critics argue that this makes light of hardship and that IHOP has better coffee.

A Chicago man spent a record-setting 48 hours on a Ferris wheel. He plans to use his expertise at going in circles by running for Congress.

My baby daughter was born three weeks ago. The labor was really intense, judging from all the texts my wife sent me. Just kidding. I never read her texts. Any of you have kids? Then you know, having a newborn means never sleeping. Some days I get so tired I want to slit my wrists, but then I look at my baby and I think, “I’m overreacting. I could just hold a pillow over her face.” My wife really doesn’t like those jokes. She said “you don’t read my texts?!” She also said that she gets even less sleep than I do so she gets to be the one to smother the baby. It’s weird, having a baby. I love her so much but all she does is cry and sometimes pukes or pees on me. She’s a lot like her mother. To get serious for a sec, I know those are some dark jokes. I want to be clear that I would never actually hurt my baby. But if you have a baby, keep it the fuck away from me.

In my experience it’s hard to write a joke about cutting the skin from a person’s face. They tend not to be in the mood for laughs.

I like my coffee like I like my men. Hot and finely ground.

This morning I thought I would have to eat plain toast. But then I found some jam. The rest of the day was dull after that dramatic start.

Parenting is really hard but sometimes there are these really awesome moments where it all feels worth while. They’re called nap time.

My mom asked me what the new baby is like. I said “She’s a newborn. She’s bald, cries a lot, not much personality.” She’s a lot like me.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by parenting. But then I picture my kids’ smiling faces and I think “they enjoy ruining my life.”

You know what really sucks? Vacuum cleaners. Also, vampires. Also, watching more and more loved ones die as you get old.

The U.S. needs better laws to protect whistle blowers. Just last week I was thrown out of the library before I finished “Twinkle, Twinkle.”

Nothing beats the satisfaction that comes with doing a good job on a worthwhile task. So I’m told.

Some days I feel like maybe I hate everything in the world. Other days I know for sure.

Often being a parent is so hard I want to cry but once in a while I am asleep.

This NSA stuff has got me feeling paranoid. Anyone got advice on how to identify a government plant? I think this one’s a ficus.

I was on a roll today when I stepped on that croissant.

My brother came over. He played me a track by his new favorite DJ. I said “this is my jam right here!” and I opened the fridge to show him.

Sometimes in a bad situation you just need to make a clean break. Other times, you want to make the bone stick out.

I felt totally powerless yesterday. Our block had a black out. (I told that joke to my grandma. She said “was he homeless?”)

This hipster guy on the bus was all bragging about how he had great taste, so I killed and ate him.

I know this is an unpopular opinion but I think some races are just inferior to others. For instance, the Indy 500 is really stupid.

Just to recap, I put my hat on again.

Having little kids is so hard but it’ll get easier. They’ll get older. And I’ll feel sad. And that will pass. Because I’ll get old and die.

Sometimes I worry that I’m useless, but then I remember I am.

In my experience the hardest part about fishing for compliments is gracefully removing the hook from the other person’s face.

One problem with taking candy from a baby is babies are full of germs.

My wife: Candy is bad for babies, so the real problem is shitty parents, so you SHOULD take the candy, then call child protective services.

Today I saw a man rescue a child from a burning building, and I learned the true meaning of bravery, by consulting a dictionary.

You know who really bugs me? The NSA. Ever since I made that Al Qaeda joke.

You know that feeling you get when you make someone laugh? I hope to experience that someday.

If I had the power go back in time and give my younger self some life advice, I would try to figure out how to have a cooler super power.

Lately I’ve been feeling – well, I wouldn’t say I feel ignored, but that’s because no one would listen anyway.

My hair is like wealth: the level of unequal distribution is downright ugly.

First person to call me juvenile gets kicked in the shins.

If I seem a little aggressive right now it’s probably because I’m shouting angrily.

It’d be ironic to die and be reincarnated as someone with a YOLO tattoo.

I know I seem unpleasant sometimes but that’s only because you expect to be treated with respect.

As I get older I get more grumpy. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I was fun once. New Year’s Eve, 2004.

If you’re ever in trouble I want you to know I’m here for you. So just stay over there.

I would never make jokes about short people. They’re beneath me.

I accidentally backed my car into a bicyclist. It didn’t look too bad to me but boy was he ever bent out of shape. On the plus side, free bike!

When I don’t know what to do at work I start to feel useless. Useless is a nickname I made up for my penis. Just kidding! My wife made it up.

You have to walk before you run. That’s good advice. Unless you’re running for your life. Then you should call the cops. Unless you’re black.

People say “you’re being a big baby” to mean “you’re annoying” but a baby of my size would actually be monstrous.

My cousin had a nervous breakdown and now he thinks he’s a can of cashews. Totally nuts.

You ever feel aggressively apathetic to other people? I don’t give a shit.

You know how some people are afraid to let other people down? Never let one of them take you for a ride on a hot air balloon.

Jordan Romero climbed Mount Everest at age 13. That kid sure peaked early.

It really bothers me if I think about how my new stepfather is a total motherfucker.

You ever have those moods where you hate everybody? Well fuck you too.

You ever see an attractive young adult and think “If I was their age I would totally be interested…”? Well, your grammar’s incorrect.

My wife and I were arguing. She said I’m too hostile and I can’t count. I said, “I have just two words for you: go to hell!”

My kids blow my mind. So young, yet so intelligent. It’s like they know exactly what to do to ruin my life.

When I feel sad I remind myself I am a ray of sunshine in the lives of many people. I make their eyes tear up and will eventually kill them.

I feel silly for caring so much about something so shallow, but I fucking love this blue plastic wading pool.

Some days I feel really inarticulate and it’s so frustrating because make I can’t me underpeoplestand.

You know what really makes me happy? Me neither.

Sometimes to cope with stress at work I try to picture my bosses naked, by waiting in the bathroom with a camera.

I don’t joke about childhood obesity. I stay away from heavy topics.

Statistically speaking, the average person is mean. (Sorry, I know math jokes can be divisive.)

I don’t know why all the lightbulbs in my house burnt out. I’m completely in the dark.

I am deeply committed to writing jokes. My jokes are no laughing matter.

I don’t really want to say my boss is vindictive, because then he’ll fire me. But you know what I really don’t get? A big enough paycheck.

The phrase “outstanding balance” should only be used for tightrope walkers.

You know something that makes parenting really hard? Children.

If pastries could talk they’d probly say “dude I’m totally baked.” And maybe “ow! fuck! you bit me!”

I hate to be negative but I’ve just got too many electrons.

Children are the cutest things that will ever ruin your life.

My high school friends were freaks. This one guy – total metal head, because he got struck by lightning while wearing a motorcycle helmet.

You ever feel like the whole world is out to get you? Then you’re terribly self-absorbed.

The hardest part of telling jokes about complicated and controversial subjects is that I’m not very funny.

I went to college for philosophy. It helped me get really good at being unemployed.

I saw one of my exes the other day. My new binoculars are great.

If you’re feeling nervous on a first date, remember, just be yourself, except charming and interesting and attractive.

You know what’s the most depressing thing about Minnesota? Living there.

Harry Potter trivia: Muggles can’t spell.

I try to be a positive person. I hate the thought of bringing anyone down. This makes it harder to use elevators.

For halloween my brother dressed as a hammer. What a tool.

I went on a carnival merry-go-round with my kid. We paid to go around in a circle and end up where we started, except dizzier. Like college.

Sometimes in life things go wrong, but they work themselves out. Other times, you’re fucked.

The fact that most of my favorite records came out 20+ years does not mean I’m old. The fact that I still call them records does.

I’m not in a bad mood constantly, just when I’m awake.

I wouldn’t say I’m out to get you, because then you would know.

New study says facebook breeds narcissism. Makes sense to me. My friends on there don’t talk enough about me. Just kidding! I don’t have any friends.

My wife texted me “you’re real sweety.” I replied “thanks but you left out the ‘a'”. She texted back “oops, meant to say you’re real sweaty”

I’m paranoid that people will think I’m a liar, so I work really hard to always sound believable.

The Netherlands’ King recently said welfare’s outmoded. Many people responded by asking “the where?” Also why isnt he called the NetherKing?

You know what I really hate? That terrible sinking feeling I get whenever I jump into a swimming pool.

I’ve been married a long time but I still know a thing or two about picking up women. For instance: lift with your knees, not your back.

You know what really drives me crazy? A genetically inherited mental illness.

I want to try out my jokes at a comedy open mic night. I would love to kill onstage, if the joke thing doesn’t work out.

The U.S. almost detonated an atomic bomb on North Carolina in 1961. A truly evil invention, North Carolina is in the southern United States.

I’ve been spending a lot of time online lately. I think I’d probably get a lot more accomplished if I was good at things.

My wife says I’m boring, cuz apples are my favorite fruit. This is unfair because it overlooks all the other things about me that are boring.

I almost got mugged last week. Dude pulled a gun, I started crying “I got a wife and two kids, please, just kill me.” He gave me his wallet.

My wife complained about dinner. I was like “hey at least I put a hot meal on the table.” She said “you should have put it on plates.”

My jokes are never as angry and negative as I want. I’m always like ‘fuck off you disappointing little joke.’ Like Dad used to say on my birthday.

What I like about social media is that I get to share my terrible moods. Just like marriage.

18 year olds today never really knew a pre-internet world. They have no idea how hard it used to be to convince people you’re a 14 year old girl.

I hate anything I’m required to do. If I could get a job as a procrastinator it would totally turn my life around.

It is very difficult to laugh in the face of despair, and even more difficult to laugh while in the mouth of a shark.

I’ve found that expecting to fail will prevent you from trying new things, which is a good way to save time.

No one has more experience with broken hearts than a cardiologist.

I just realized my jokes would be funnier if they made more people laugh

Some people think it’s funny to insult other people. Personally I hate when people put me down. I just like to be held.

My wife’s got awful handwriting! She wrote me a note saying “I love you, I’m so glad I married you” but it looked like “I want a divorce.”

I hate that people separate hopeful idealists from sober realists. Being hopeful is realistic. As long as what you’re hoping for is doom.

It’s a terrible moment of truth when you realize nothing stands in your way but your own lack of ambition, and a 21 inch thick vault door.

I used to say that what mattered most was my friends, but then I had kids. And tonight I had this amazing chocolate cake.

If my rage and despair could be converted to electricity, I could begin to be socially useful. I would hate that.

My days would be better if they didn’t start with mornings.

The woman next to me on my flight home from Miami typed a note breaking off an open relationship. I felt tempted to point out she needed another comma.

Today take a moment to celebrate whatever trivial nonsense you use to insulate yourself from the ugly truths of your existence.

Apparently my wife is not amused by jokes about starving our cats to death.

once my kids are grown I think I’m gonna take up marathon running. trade one god awful endurance test for another.

Pop culture trivia: the biggest distinction between Nick Lowe and Nick Cave is that they are two different people.

I think of them less as rejection letters and more as opportunities to practice focusing my hatred. The glass is half full! Of gasoline!

a friend tried to get me to argue with him about the pope but I don’t see the pontiff that kind of conversation

An Australian priest wanted the Catholic Church to allow women to become priests but the Pope told him to frock off.

I don’t want to seem full of myself but I think I could get good at autoerotic fisting.

I just finished reading World War Z and am now convinced the only thing protecting us from zombie apocalypse is the fact that its fiction.

I’m trying to make a joke where I’m bitter about entering my late 30s having wasted so much of my life, it’s kind of a performance piece.

My mom says I get aggressive to deflect criticism, but then she married a moron.My mom says I get aggressive to deflect criticism, but then she married a moron.

My parents got married young, because my mom got pregnant with me. They had a lot to learn. Over the years, they got really good at divorce.

I recently re-established contact with my estranged father after almost 20 years. The best part has been the make up sex.

Today I had a chocolate truffle from the bakery. For a moment I felt safe and loved.

it seems to me that stuff people say is sobering is always stuff that makes me want to get drunk

My 4yr old helped make pancakes and seeing the look on her face from her sense of accomplishment I could only think “yum! maple syrup!”

my baby daughter was so crabby this morning! “you need to sleep some more, that’s why you can’t stop crying,” I told myself.

I have repeatedly tried to make a joke about hitting someone in the face with a hammer but it’s just not funny. I guess you had to be there.

I was gonna make a joke about impotence making me cry but I don’t want people thinking I’ve gone soft.

I planned to try and write several more dick jokes but the problem is that none of them are as funny as actual dicks, which are hilarious

You’re a perfectionist if you judge yourself harshly and by unrealistic standards. This will lead to unhappiness. So way to fuck up, genius.

I have learned so much from my 4 year old daughter. For example, standing up for your beliefs despite consequences makes you insufferable.

sometimes I remember that there are people whose default position is not feeling hostile. I hate those motherfuckers.

My parents first bonded over hating highschool. A soulless cage indifferent to the well-being of all involved, my parents marriage lasted 17 years.

one problem with working under a deadline is I hate everyone and wish a comet would destroy the planet.

one problem with knowing young people is that it makes me feel old. another is that I hate their stupid ideas.

I recently reached a personal best at being exasperated.

it is a disgusting double standard that if my one year old shouts “HIIII!” at strangers then it’s cute but when I do it then it’s creepy.

not that it matters but I think the dude in this movie’s gay. something about the way he holds his hand, cupped around that other guy’s dick